As a wrap up to the 30 Day Challenge – 3 days late, I might add, I wonder about why I was so gung-ho about the whole project but fizzled out before I’d fully finished the project. It must be a reflection on me and the bad habits I have.
I am fickle. This is on of the most hurtful labels for me. And it was a best friend who told me this long ago. When I was dating a lot and not committing to any of them. I’d get their hopes up and three dates in I knew I didn’t want to be with them. It was a matter of me being a wonderful person and people fell in love with me fast. But I knew that when I committed, it was going to be the real deal. I NEVER entered into a commitment if I didn’t think it was going to be the real deal. The one that lasted. And by three dates, I knew. So, she called me fickle. I had to experience the relationship long enough to make up my mind. So, I crushed a lot of hearts, but often too, because I didn’t want them to fall even more in love with me. Perhaps love scared me. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 22 and it was the one from day one. Nothing fickle about it. I knew. I knew that I’d hurt them more if I let the relationship go beyond those early stages. I guess that makes me fickle over careers too, and friends – I seem to have gone through a lot of them.
I reject this label because I don’t want it to limit me or be an excuse as to why I didn’t follow through with something. I still move with a lot of caution into everything I do or out of it as the case may be. I’d prefer to replace this label with cautious. Maybe too cautious and may cautious at other peoples expense. I’m selfish, but I’m also very kind. Would it hurt more to lose someone after a few weeks or after a few months or years? I could have lead them on or stayed in a job I knew I’d hate. But I didn’t, because I understand myself very well, I know intuitively what is right for me even if deciding what is wrong takes a bit of experimentation. I’m sorry to all those I hurt over the years and I’m so grateful to you for teaching me about myself. You all made me feel wonderful, it’s a wonderful feeling to be adored and desired in kind and loving ways.
I AM Kind and I AM loving. I am kind because I do my best not to hurt others. I am loving because I do what my heart tells me is right. That’s not always what is right for you. But it is right for the greater good. You see, as I look back, I’ve put in a lot of criticism of myself, of who I am as I try and take responsability for who I am and was. But, I think kind and loving trump them all. I am kind because I will always choose the most positive response I can truthfully say. I am loving, because when I commit to anything I put my whole heart into it. I am NOT fickle when I call you family, even if you’re just a friend. I love people who don’t even know they are loved by me. I watch over them and quietly cheer when they succeed and wish I could be there when they need someone, even if it can’t be. I am more kind and loving than I am sarcastic, I am more kind and loving than I procrastinate, I am kind and loving as a friend, a mother and maybe not when I’m moody or judgemental, but I do make efforts to see things through a filter of love. But I’m not perfect, I AM human – and maybe that should be a label. A label that encompasses all of the labels I’ve dissected for myself. I AM passionate. Isn’t passion what allows me to be an artist and a writer and married and a mother and a teacher? The thing I am passionate about are what help shape who I am. If I was passionate about politics well, I just wouldn’t be this version of me, cause this person would probably set aside the politics section in favour of the arts section and the stories about reall people an real lives. I am REAL.