Day 21 – I AM a Good Friend

I am a good friend, but it hasn’t always felt like that. This week many past hurts have come up and I’ve been reminded of times when I’ve been both.

#1 I’ve been a good friend and my best friend said terrible things behind my back that were not true. And I turned my back on her and never forgave her even though I knew the reason why she did it, even then. She wanted so bad to be accepted but the popular kids that she turned on one who stood by her no matter what. She regretted it and tried to become my friend again but I never permitted her into my life again. We were courteous after that but never friends again. I was a good friend.

#2 I’ve been a bad friend even though at the beginning I didn’t know what I did. My best friend became best friends with someone else and she came up to me and said, “I can’t believe you did that to me!” and never, ever told me what I’d done. So I could never fix it, and when I asked her again years later when she contacted me to tell me she’d forgiven me, she STILL wouldn’t tell me.  In this case I got revenge by befriending her crush we spent a lot of time together after that and I made sure she knew about it. If she said I was a bad friend – I definately became one, if only to hurt her as much as she hurt me. I’m not proud of that and I lost touch with him long ago. I was a bad friend.

#3 I had yet another best friend who was amazing. We had so much fun and I promised her I’d go on a road trip with her. I promised up and down that I’d go no matter what. About a month before we were supposed to leave I told her I couldn’t afford to go. I had been so adamant that I’d never do that to her. In that case I was a bad friend and she never forgave me. We talked a few times after that but it was never the same, so I took the hint and moved on. I was a bad friend but I deserved to be forgiven.

#4 I had a best friend who was a tough cookie. I was pretty laid back and easy going I never minded that she liked to be in control but I dropped her because at some point my personality changed where I didn’t like someone to make all the decisions and at some point she spent more time talking about herself and how amazing all the things she was doing was. I couldn’t argue but I dropped her for her ego.  She wasn’t impressed by anything I did because she did something better. The things I’d loved about her when I was quiet and shy are what I didn’t like about her when I stepped into my own. I miss that friendship but it wasn’t healthy any longer I hung up the phone upset instead up uplifted. Friendships are supposed to be uplifting and supportive, not one-sided. I was a good friend but people change and that’s okay I still appreciate her for what she was when I needed that kind of friend. I still love her.

#6 I had a friend who had a lot of problems and drama I was there for so much of it, like would have bent over backwards to help her out to support her and when I had a problem in my life – however small in comparison it may have seemed to her it was important and I needed support. She didn’t want anything to do with me. She couldn’t set aside her drama to focus on mine, not even once in our friendship. That’s why that one fell away. I was a good friend, but you have to be a good friend in return. I was dismissed and she moved on and I let her.

#7 My best friend and I were inseperable but I moved and one day she stopped writing or answering me. We had promised to be friends for ever, we considered each other sisters and I think this one hurt me the most. I was a good friend – I was better than a good friend, I was a sister and even though we had very different interests and moved in different directions this friendship hurt me deeply. I didn’t understand why I could handle a long distance friendship and she couldn’t. I felt very judged for all the things I was doing. But we were the balance of each other. I was the wild and crazy and you were the stability and family I never had. A sister. I was a good friend and she let me go.

#8 I had a friend who got into a fight with someone in my family. It had nothing to do with me but they refused to ever visit me again. I visited for a while but she never came over even when it was only me home. And it was a stupid arguement, more of a misunderstanding but both people were stubborn enough to refuse to apologise and make up. Not even for me. So I lost a best friend because of someone else. If I have to choose a friend over family, I’m sorry but family has to come first. Because look at how easy it was for you depart. If you loved me as much as I loved you, you’d have fixed it long before I’d stopped caring. I was a good friend, but I will not choose a friend over a deeper love like family.

Eight friends loved and lost makes me believe I’m the root of the problem sometimes. It almost enough to cripple a person in other relationships because a history builds up of hurt and sadness when you get too close to someone, there is always a risk of getting hurt. I look back and I stand by the statement.

I am a good friend and if I am yours, you’re lucky to have me. I have to remember to not let people down the way I’ve been let down. I value truth more than anything else, I am picky about my friends and if I call you my sister, I mean it for life. That means we have to work through our problems like family. That may mean I’ll call you on your crap if you call me on mine.

I’ve love my friends so deeply that the lost of each one has left an invisible scar even if I’m the one who let you go. I learned something from each of my friends and I’m picky about who I allow in. I’m pickier that I was when I was a kid, I’ve learned to follow my intuition. Sometimes I avoid becoming friends with certain people because I know we won’t gel the way friends should. Sometimes I become a friend but hold it there and not bring it closer. That’s becasue I want to give my closest friends all the time we need to be sisters.  I have many friends but my best friends are more than that, they are my family and I am so grateful for my soul sisters.  You know who you are. I am a good friend.

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