Day 19 – I AM Broke

You could say functionally poor. But the essence is the same, I have no money. And by no money I mean if I don’t find a job within the next month I’ll be deciding between heat, hyro and food.  And I feel like everywhere I turn, somone wants more money from me. It makes me was to scream and break something! But that doesn’t help anyone so, some days I cry and I keep perservering. I keep applying for jobs and looking for opportunities. But you see I have a University degree and lots of experience in a lot of things. This should mean I get a job right away but people don’t beleive I can adapt as well as I know I can. People don’t believe I’ll stay at a job different from the ones I’ve had. Here’s a thought I left them because I didn’t like them. There is no lack of my own belief in my abilities.

Now, I’ve been called picky. And that’s true, I don’t want to be a taxi driver or work in fastfood or retail again if I can help it. My family takes priority and that means I need to be here for them at the end of the day or I need to make enough money to pay for their childcare. I would rather not work evenings and weekends. So, I’m picky but I keep applying for some amazing jobs, spend hours on my resume and even my references have received calls. Still, nothing… What does this mean? Does it mean something better is around the corner? Universe?! I need something to get us there. I’m so sick of being broke! I give myself this label because so many other’s can’t see it.

Perhaps that’s why the all keep asking me for money. They can’t see beyond the surface. But it’s not as terrible as you think either. My bills are paid up and we don’t get any of those final notices, we’re not about to forclose on our house, no one is addicted to anything. Life is good right now. Perhaps that’s the frustrating part. Nothing is wrong, but why is it still a struggle? Why does everyone want my money? Everyone wants me to buy stuff, or go places that require money. Building a business requires money. Taking a course requires money. I don’t qualify for a whole bunch of programs because apparently I’m not poor enough.  Nope, I’m just broke. I feel like I’ve done all that people have asked of me. I finished school, I had a family and stayed home with them. We have a nice home and I have a wonderful supportive husband who supports us all right now. Thank God! But I hate relying on someone else I hate feeling like I’m not contribuiting and I hate that I can’t get ahead on my own terms. I can’t leave my small town to go work in the city. My family is here and so is my husband’s work. I can’t go away to school — yep need money to do that too.

I hate how business owners feel like buying their product is an investment and not simply something that is just out of reach. Perhaps that’s why this label hit me so hard today. I wanted to scream and curse and cry.  If they give it to you for free, they are just teasing you. It’s supposed to entice you to spend lots of money. I’m so sick of it! Of all of it. My dreams are stagnant right now because I don’t have the power to do anything about them. I don’t have money to invest. Why does it have to be about money? What I can do for free, I’m doing. I’m learning about myself, balancing myself. Taking care of my family and the finances we DO have. I am helping others when and where I can because I have the TIME to do it.

This label frustrates the hell out of me.  I’d like to blast it with a sci-fi inspired turbo laser until it’s a pile of dust. I want my whole life to be abundant and I want to teach other how to do it too, and not for a price, for free. They can buy the extras and such but the core of what I will teach will be free. I pledge this to the universe. Someday I will be in a position where I can help people like me.

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