Day 26 & 27- I AM Persnickety & I AM Moody

PersnicketyI am persnickety. The dictionary definition is of persnickety  basically says I’m a picky, snobby and very particular person who makes a big deal out of small details. I like things just ‘so’ and I prefer this word over the others. It can be a fault and I’ve often hurt people’s feelings because I know how I like things from my food, to my day to well, you name it and I’m probably picky about how I like it. And I’m a snob about it. I’m not going to eat macaroni salad just to please you, I don’t eat mayonnaise in any way shape or form, it’s just a fact of who I am. I am persnickety. And I can be too blunt about it. Confidence can be a bitch can’t it? So I’m labelled that too – a bitch. But I reject that label completely. Persnickety suites me better because I think there is a place where my kind of bitchy, pickiness is necessary and a strength. People know where they stand with me and what I think of something.

This label was given to me by my favourite high school art teacher – who unfortunately disappointed me by not being someone I could carry on a friendship with after high school. I get snarly when someone looks at my artwork and passes judgement on it before it is finished. If I am not happy with it, why would I go looking from someone elses opinion on it? And if you give me your opinion on it and it is neither helpful nor requested I get angry. Persnickety resulted from a lot of criticism and it developed as a way to protect myself. I became assertive enough to tell people to bugger off and come back when I’m ready for you and your opinions. I guess that makes me dismissive and rude. Persnickety might be an all around negative  label.

I AM moody. Yes, I too am a woman subject to shifts in my mood according to certain monthly cycles. And in some cases it is just an excuse. I also reject this one as a label. I hate when people try to sum up my complex emotions into a single word like moody. I am not moody and it’s not PMS and I’m not just being bitchy or emotional. Perhaps, just maybe, there is a valid reason why I am in such a mood and perhaps it’s just the natural shifts in body balance that allow me to express things better or worse at times. I am permitted to be grumpy and moody at times and I certainly don’t have to justify it to anyone. Just toss me some chocolate and try again later. I am human. I will rebound and come to you when I’m not moody or upset or avoiding dealing with things, but if I am, leave me alone. Balance in my life is giving myself to experience the full range of emotions and moods. I don’t have to be or every intend to be happy every day all day just so that you aren’t inconvenienced by my moodiness. I am not moody, I am human. Don’t comfort me or ask me if everything is okay – unless you really want to know and only if I trust you.

The combination of persnickety and moody. Well, we can’t all be sunshine and unicorn farts all the time. I am what I am, take me or leave me – but I will remember who left when things got rocky.

Day 25 – I AM Goofy

IMG_00000208Let’s see, today I am wearing a plain black T-Shirt with a long black lace skirt and peeking out from underneath is a pair of cow slippers! That’s why I claim the I AM Goofy label for myself today. Laughter is so healing and so is doing something you like just because you like it. Because really, who am I trying to impress as I sit here in my house? I may not go out like this, but if someone really needed a laugh I just might.

I tell the worst jokes but I can turn almost anything into something worth giggling over. I pick pillow fights all the time and just for the simple joy of the unexpected look of astonishment on their faces. I am proudly goofy! It means I have so much confidence in who I am that I don’t have to pretend to be anything less. I can laugh at a ridiculous pun for days… like have you ever seen the T-Rex posters?

And goofy means that it’s refers to ME! I don’t get my laughs at other people’s expense cause that would make me rude (not that I haven’t been rude from time to time but hey, I’m human and I’m working on the judgmental labels remember?) But goofy means that I’m not afraid to play with my kids and tell knock-knock jokes because eventually someone WILL laugh at them if just because of the enthusiasm you tell it with! Best goofy joke I heard recenlty was from my cousins son, he said, “Nadine, how do you spell icup?”

“Icup? Oh I-C-U…. dooooooh!”

There is nothing wrong with being goofy, it reminds everyone that we’re on this planet to have fun, to not take life so seriously. Laughter is healing and being silly and goofy encourages others too. Laughter and mirth is contageous. I am goofy because it balances my life – can’t always be serious and loving and responsible. Waterpistols in the house? Meh. Spaghetti on the ceiling? Done it. Letting your kids do your makeup? Well at least I have an excuse! ha ha!

I may not be straight up funny, but I think goofy is a better fit. I’m naturally goofy. I AM Goofy and I plan to stay that way. 😛

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Day 24 – I AM Infinate

As I get close to the end of the months I find my personal labels are dwindling. I’m down to the nitty gritty of what and who I am.

I AM infinate. This means that I have unlimited potential and I am more than just this physical body here on Earth. This means that all labels and none of the labels I’ve already deconstructed and either claimed or rejected fit me entirely. Infinate means, I’m not afraid. Please don’t take this label as an expression of ego, because I define all of us as infinate even if you have not come to realize it for yourself yet. There is none higher or lower in this scale, we all are espressions of the same infinate essence. We are all beautiful.

I’m not going to get into a discussion of God or religon here. I am not challenging the powers and beliefs of either. But here are a couple things I believe are infinate:

  • God
  • Love

To say that I am infinate means that I allow both to BE a part of me. It’s not a power struggle. It’s not verses in a book. To be infinate is to simplify all things down to it’s essence. The things that will last far beyond this lifetime are the parts of me that are infinate. God and Love. The rest is just a physical vessel and physical experiences.

I AM infinate. And I’m still exploring and defining what that means. It’s kind of a new label for me, one that I have hesitated to claim but, the more I learn the more I feel it is true and the more I want to help others find infinate truths for themselves even if their truth isn’t the same as what I believe. Each belief serves a purpose in our lives. Each lifetime serves a different purpose and it’s not always to realize how infinate you are, but it is always to love and find love and joy and peace – to seek and understand God on terms that bring you the greatest love and joy and peace even if that truth for you is that you don’t believe in God. It means judgement falls away with greater and greater ease along with the desire to please others instead of the essence of who we are as individuals.

 

Day 23 – I AM a slob

I am a slob. If you were to define my house you might politely describe it as lived-in or cluttered. This is a label I’ve fought most of my life, slob, clutter-queen, disorganized and it often looks like  a tornado hit the inside of my house. However the label doesn’t fully fit either, as is my usual route, I have a few exceptions to my bad habit.

1) I like my kitchen and bathroom clean. So, I don’t have a months worth of dirt and grim where I seat my tush nor is there a health risk to my family from either room. They still gets cluttered but I’ll move piles to clean under and around them often.

2) I value time with my family over spending my whole day cleaning. Well that’s very true but I also value time on the computer, and actually doing things. Like painting, crafting and playing music. I’m a doer and I’m a procrastinator – so if there isn’t a very good reason to clean it up now such as expected company  coming or something gross that I can’t live with – will there is a good chance it’ll stay put.

I almost always have piles of laundry on my love seat – only because the mountain never seems to shrink even after seven loads and a whole morning folding and putting it away. I take this  as an indication that my kids do indeed have clean clothes to wear, they just may not be put away yet.

Some might suggest that my famiy should help me. And I’m afraid that the help of a five and eight year old is well… just a small help. They are getting more and more responsible which is nice but my husband well, although he claims that if he were single he’d have an immaculate I was away for 3 weeks this summer and I’d beg to differ. So what happens when two slobs get married and have kids? Well you have a mother who copes the best she can, who tries to clean one room per week to impressively clean and tidy standards, but the rest, well they will probably never all be clean at once, but I’ve tried to stop letting it bother me. I would get anxious when people showed up, like my house was a horror show. But really… my house is not the death trap, we have a bunny and a cat and a fish, two kids, a husband who is a mechanic and a musician, and a mother who is an artist and responsible for pretty much everything all at once. I focus on the living things first and if you have a problem with it you’re welcome to come and help me one day.

I AM a slob – but my value is not in how clean my house is. Perhaps it also makes me bad at managing my time or be seen as a lack of pride in my home. But my kids are where my true pride lies. And they take their plates to the sink right after meals, they sweep the floors and know to hang up their coats. They are responsible for their own rooms most of the time. I figure some day my life may be so boring that I have nothing to do but clean and tidy or maybe I’ll one day live alone so that what get’s cleaned stays clean for longer than 48 hours. Actually, I hope that day never comes. I simply need to hire someone to help me once in a while or I need to wait a few more years until the kids have less stuff and can help clean up even more. Until them I’m okay with being a slob and it doesn’t bother me. It’s not negative because I won’t allow the label to limit me and I won’t use it as an excuse to make sure the imporant stuff is done… eventually.

Day 22 – I AM a Spiritual Rocker Chick

I am a rocker chick. This is evident in the fact that I spent the greater part of my even last night and as often as possible listening to live music in a dingy bar last night. Not because i drink. I do, but the weekly partying days are long past. I go now, for the pure enjoyment of music. It’s has to be rock, it has to be loud and it has to be good. I have a great ear for music, if your guitar is out of tune or your harmonies are off I’m going to notice and if you don’t clip your strings and keep the fingerprints  polished up and off your insturment I’m going to be irked. My husband is a drummer and I LOVE to hear his band in my basement. My children have been raised in the noise that is rock n’ roll. They slept like babies because to them – music was normal. Perhaps that contributed to my daughter’s love of song. She sings every hour that she is awake in a day.

I’m not bothered by either part of this label, rocker or chick. I don’t find either offensive or off-putting because neither is used in a derogatory way. I self-identify as a chick. It simply means I’m female and more than just that it means I can strut my stuff with the best of them. Them being other rockers.

Now, I have to admit I’ve had issues with this label and reconciling it with being a spiritual person. You see, I looked at the things I was being drawn to and I was not seeing me as someone who fit into a spiritual world. I didn’t look the part when I was doing something I loved. I kind of thought I had to be one or the other and never at the same time. But over the summer I had and epiphany. As I sat in the crowd at a very big rock festival, I felt my vibrations rise up to levels where I was so open and joyful and peaceful and I heard the voice of an angel above the noise of the festival. And there in that moment I cried. I had been trying to speak to Archangel Michael for many months – but I had never achieved an actual chairaudient connection which had frustrated me to no end. But it was there that I heard an angel for the first time.

Now, the discussion we had was one where he answered a few questions for me and helped me to understand my place in this world. I CAN be a rocker chick AND be a spiritual leader. Why? Because it’s part of my role to crack open that stereotype of what a ‘spiritual person’ looks and acts like. It is part of my path to help make it something bigger, something more available to people like me. Rock n’ Roll is full of dark things – think of all the coolest rock logos you’ve seen, they are full of grim reapers, guns, skulls, blades and demons.  Rock has had a history of praising darkness and spitting in the face of religon.

But look again. how much passion does it take to produce that sound? When a three or six piece band click, the harmonies and magic that happens is the same as what happens in the finest Symphony Orchestra. There IS not difference when a band can make a stage and a whole stadium vibrate on the same level. When you go to church you also have to discerne what rings true to your soul and the same in rock n’ roll. Every sermon and every song is NOT going to resonate with you. But the ones that do have the power to make magic happen. To raise your vibration into a level that is closer to heaven to make you feel better when you’re sad or depressed – where you can communicate with angels or be inspired to dance and sing like there are no problems greater than choosing the next song. If you are a light person, you can be a light person wherever you are and wherever you go. You can be spiritual and love to thrash and headbang.

I don’t have to and won’t change who I am to be a more spiritual person, to take on a spiritual leadership role. I can inspire and help other exactly like I am. Rock n’ Roll is not a gimmick, it is truth and light for me.

I AM a Spiritual Rocker Chick and your identity is what you decide it is, don’t be afraid to be who you are in it’s entirety.

Day 21 – I AM a Good Friend

I am a good friend, but it hasn’t always felt like that. This week many past hurts have come up and I’ve been reminded of times when I’ve been both.

#1 I’ve been a good friend and my best friend said terrible things behind my back that were not true. And I turned my back on her and never forgave her even though I knew the reason why she did it, even then. She wanted so bad to be accepted but the popular kids that she turned on one who stood by her no matter what. She regretted it and tried to become my friend again but I never permitted her into my life again. We were courteous after that but never friends again. I was a good friend.

#2 I’ve been a bad friend even though at the beginning I didn’t know what I did. My best friend became best friends with someone else and she came up to me and said, “I can’t believe you did that to me!” and never, ever told me what I’d done. So I could never fix it, and when I asked her again years later when she contacted me to tell me she’d forgiven me, she STILL wouldn’t tell me.  In this case I got revenge by befriending her crush we spent a lot of time together after that and I made sure she knew about it. If she said I was a bad friend – I definately became one, if only to hurt her as much as she hurt me. I’m not proud of that and I lost touch with him long ago. I was a bad friend.

#3 I had yet another best friend who was amazing. We had so much fun and I promised her I’d go on a road trip with her. I promised up and down that I’d go no matter what. About a month before we were supposed to leave I told her I couldn’t afford to go. I had been so adamant that I’d never do that to her. In that case I was a bad friend and she never forgave me. We talked a few times after that but it was never the same, so I took the hint and moved on. I was a bad friend but I deserved to be forgiven.

#4 I had a best friend who was a tough cookie. I was pretty laid back and easy going I never minded that she liked to be in control but I dropped her because at some point my personality changed where I didn’t like someone to make all the decisions and at some point she spent more time talking about herself and how amazing all the things she was doing was. I couldn’t argue but I dropped her for her ego.  She wasn’t impressed by anything I did because she did something better. The things I’d loved about her when I was quiet and shy are what I didn’t like about her when I stepped into my own. I miss that friendship but it wasn’t healthy any longer I hung up the phone upset instead up uplifted. Friendships are supposed to be uplifting and supportive, not one-sided. I was a good friend but people change and that’s okay I still appreciate her for what she was when I needed that kind of friend. I still love her.

#6 I had a friend who had a lot of problems and drama I was there for so much of it, like would have bent over backwards to help her out to support her and when I had a problem in my life – however small in comparison it may have seemed to her it was important and I needed support. She didn’t want anything to do with me. She couldn’t set aside her drama to focus on mine, not even once in our friendship. That’s why that one fell away. I was a good friend, but you have to be a good friend in return. I was dismissed and she moved on and I let her.

#7 My best friend and I were inseperable but I moved and one day she stopped writing or answering me. We had promised to be friends for ever, we considered each other sisters and I think this one hurt me the most. I was a good friend – I was better than a good friend, I was a sister and even though we had very different interests and moved in different directions this friendship hurt me deeply. I didn’t understand why I could handle a long distance friendship and she couldn’t. I felt very judged for all the things I was doing. But we were the balance of each other. I was the wild and crazy and you were the stability and family I never had. A sister. I was a good friend and she let me go.

#8 I had a friend who got into a fight with someone in my family. It had nothing to do with me but they refused to ever visit me again. I visited for a while but she never came over even when it was only me home. And it was a stupid arguement, more of a misunderstanding but both people were stubborn enough to refuse to apologise and make up. Not even for me. So I lost a best friend because of someone else. If I have to choose a friend over family, I’m sorry but family has to come first. Because look at how easy it was for you depart. If you loved me as much as I loved you, you’d have fixed it long before I’d stopped caring. I was a good friend, but I will not choose a friend over a deeper love like family.

Eight friends loved and lost makes me believe I’m the root of the problem sometimes. It almost enough to cripple a person in other relationships because a history builds up of hurt and sadness when you get too close to someone, there is always a risk of getting hurt. I look back and I stand by the statement.

I am a good friend and if I am yours, you’re lucky to have me. I have to remember to not let people down the way I’ve been let down. I value truth more than anything else, I am picky about my friends and if I call you my sister, I mean it for life. That means we have to work through our problems like family. That may mean I’ll call you on your crap if you call me on mine.

I’ve love my friends so deeply that the lost of each one has left an invisible scar even if I’m the one who let you go. I learned something from each of my friends and I’m picky about who I allow in. I’m pickier that I was when I was a kid, I’ve learned to follow my intuition. Sometimes I avoid becoming friends with certain people because I know we won’t gel the way friends should. Sometimes I become a friend but hold it there and not bring it closer. That’s becasue I want to give my closest friends all the time we need to be sisters.  I have many friends but my best friends are more than that, they are my family and I am so grateful for my soul sisters.  You know who you are. I am a good friend.

Day 20 – I AM a Cat-Person

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I am a cat-person. And you won’t believe the range of reactions you can get from that statement! Being a cat-person doesn’t mean you dislike dogs exactly it just means you prefer the company of a cat. And it has a lot to do with your identity and your lifestyle. This is why I’m a cat person:

1) I like to travel and don’t want to pay for a kennel or a sitter. Cats are perfectly content to be home alone and use their litter box. Which makes owning a cat a little easier. They are independent and don’t need or want much company. Which is fine with me.

2) I don’t like picking up dog poop. I mean who does? But at least cats poop in all in one concentrated area, and I’m not likely to step in it when I’m out on the lawn in my bare feet. Gross, gross and grosser!

3) I’m too lazy to walk a dog every day – surely this would be good for my health but when it’s -30 degrees Celsius out – I’ll curl up with the cat and just laugh at all the dog walkers shivering their way down the street, thank you very much!

4) I can’t stand needy people – why would I sign up for a needy pets? Now, that needs to be in context of a continuous neediness and I work hard to help people be independent. I fully understand that there are times when we all get needy and I will never turn a friend away who needs to be needy for a while – people ARE different but I’m a better cheerleader than a hand holder. I have far more patience for people than animals. I love my cuddly cat who sleeps at the end of my bed and keeps my feet warm at night. She has her moments. And I love her purrs – I read somewhere that purrs are in a healing frequency. I certainly do feel better when I’m sick and she comes and purrs beside me.

5) I think that the personality of a cat is more like me than a dog. Aloof – takes the world in on their own terms. Doesn’t take any crap from anyone – snuggly and loving at times, not against sleeping in the sun and doing absolutely nothing and they have a wicked playful side. If I were more athletic maybe I’d appreciate a dog more, but I’m not.

6) Dogs are stinky – wet dog smell sucks. I’ll take my cat who can bath herself – thank you very much!

7) Less expensive – from vet to food and toys – cats win. Unless you have a small dog but I can’t stand most small dogs.

8) Barking, howling, digging and jumping. I’ll take my purring and occasionally meowing cat please.

9) Dog bites. I’ve been bitten by a dog – a little one my great-grandmother owned because i accidentally stepped on his tail when I was a kid. And a big one who would have ripped a chunk out of my hand if I hadn’t had a ring on – he bit it in half. If I had a dog he/she would be well trained and socialized. Something I haven’t had the time for.

10) Dogs don’t hunt mice. This is a key role of my kitty Princess, she is good at keeping rodents out of our house and she thankfully doesn’t leave them all over the place and I have NEVER seen her hurt or hunt birds at all. Each cat is different but mine is purrrrrfect.

So… being a cat-person makes dog-people defensive. They point out their loyalty and unconditional love of a dog – but a dog will love anyone who is kind to them.  And there are many dogs I’ve loved over the years but very few I’d ever want in my home.

A cat person is special – the cat chooses you. And they know who the like – they have intuition – so much stronger than a dog – perhaps why they are so often associated with witches. Cats are very smart  and intuitive – like me – and if you get a smart cat to love you, you know there’s a good reason -like me. If you have a good vibe that they are attracted to they will approach you. A dog just wants to belong, wants to be part of the pack. Cat people are not afraid to be unique to live outside of the norm.  I am like my cat and she is like me in many ways.

My cousin has a cat and she talked and talked about how Kairi didn’t like anyone – no one except her. Said she runs away from everyone or just glares at them from a distance. I walked in and she was starting to repeat this story when Kairi – the doesn’t like anyone cat – snuggled up to me and demanded to be pet and picked up. My cousin was dumbfounded and half heartedly scolded Kairi for making a liar out of her. To this day she like her owner and she likes me – and that’s about it.

Cat’s choose you and make you feel special. That’s why I am a cat person and will be for many years to come.